The Home Maxx TJ Goods Experience (full Google maps review)

This is the entirety of this review, which was too long to post on google in its entirety. Don't ask me why I write these... it's how I entertain myself.

Note: If you started this here, on google, scroll down to where you see another note like this indicating that's precisely where you left off... 

***

For a while I thought I needed to change my medication, because I thought I was in a TJ Maxx but was instead in a Home Goods store. I found it all quite unsettling and immediately found a corner that felt safe, sat down, and prayed while repeatedly calling my psychiatrist, to no avail.

Before long, a helpful young lady helped me to my feet and after explaining to her my confusion, she told me that I had indeed entered a TJ Maxx, but that it's actually attached to a Home Goods. This made me stop crying at least, but it immediately became clear to me that this open border nonsense has gotten out of hand.

I of course demanded to speak to the moat senior manager or executive of TJ Maxx, so I could tell them they need to build a wall, and make Home Goods pay for it. For some reason that got a big laugh, which made me feel made fun of, but then it seemed like everyone liked me, which I'm not used to... so I forgot about the wall and enjoyed the adulation.

Before long, I had given Home Goods a chance and was excited to learn they sold a wide variety of knick knacks, decorative pillows, and hallowed out fake wooden books designed to hide your stash from burglars or your mom. Those are all things I collect avidly. It was amazing to see so many things I admired and liked in this new exotic world of goods for the home.

TJ Maxx was and is the best place to snag a few bags of exotic chips and Nike socks, obscure and controversial home exercise equipment like shake weights... all in one place. Add to that the new world of opportunity inside its intimately close neighbor - both in distance and in spirit.

Cruising down the freeway on my moped on the ride home, I realized that TJ is also what stands for Tijuana, which is in Mexico. I started to suspect based on that clearly not coincidence that all the laughter those emoyees were having had to do with the political talk about a wall between the US/Mexico border.

This made me turn around and decide to return everything, because I don't do politics. But when I got to the parking lot I just couldn't go through with it. Because I loved all my new belongings, and as much as I want to avoid getting involved in multinational multicultural political discourse, the new stuff was all so cool. And if I went home empty-handed it would be as if I just wasted the least 4 1/2 hours of my life. 

I also realized that there was about a 3% chance my girl at home would think I had been lying about doing important shopping on her birthday, and would think I had been cheating on her... which I had not that day.

So I did a few doughnuts in the parking lot to let off some steam, as they say (almost losing a few bags in the process) and went straight home, where I gave my girl half of the decorative pillows for her birthday. I thought this was clever to tell her, because either way I end up in the same bed with those pillows come sunset... so what's the harm in letting her call half of them "hers". 

I can be clever like that and think on my feet, which is why she loves me I bet. All in all, it was a profound experience that gave me a lot to think about. I'm pretty sure the experience made me care about knowing what is going on with places I know little about first before being afraid of them and bring mad there isn't no wall between me and the new and unknown.

Then, while my girl was in the bath, listening to some jazz apparently, that was playing loud on a record player in her bedroom (which for some reason had flower pedals and tealight candles leading from it to the front door... she did that one other time on my birthday too... I just left as soon as I saw it though because rose petals have thorns in them and I couldn't trust myself not to accidentally step on one, and the last thing I was about to do after a long day of hunting is clean up her mess).

Anyway, while she was in the bath, I saw it as maybe the one chance I'd get to make sure she didn't eat my new chips! 

So, while she enjoyed her weird bubble bath, I crushed crushed up a bag of beat root chips and crushed up a bag of siracha flavored lentil chips, MIXED THEM TOGETHER and hid them in my new hallowed out secret book safe. I put that on the bookshelf, between her Koran and my Bible.

I undressed and slipped into four of the new socks (2 4 each foot) & quietly munched away on my stash until I heard it sound like she was getting out of the bath. In heard solish splashes and knew that means I had like one minute before she came out that door, probably wanting to know the chip situation!

Without hesitation, I hurried to the garage to hide the remaining chip bags under some old dusty towels, and a rusted out toolbox that once belonged to my grandpaps. But that's in the past and it's mine now. Just like the chips it's covering now!

Then I snuck back inside, this time through the back window, because I saw her cleaning up all the candles and rose petals (at least she doesn't make a mess with her antics) and I couldn't let her maybe figure out I just hid all the chips, which I planned on saying they ran out of, because she likes them too and gave me $10 to buy some "to share". 

***

[NOTE: YO SO THE GOOGLE REVIEW LEFT OFF RIGHT HERE! Sorry for the interruption anyone/everyone else.]

NOTE: When I said "right here", I meant right under the part where I apologize for the interruption. Sorry for the second interruption by the way. It picks back up right here... right below.

NOTE: Right after right below, now after this... okay, joke's stale. This bad boy continues NOW! (after the star things)

***

LOL!

I went to the bathroom that was empty now, and flushed the receipt down the toilet so she couldn't find out later about the fibskie I had already planned out hours ago on the moped driving back to her house. She has a history of overreacting to untrue things I say when she asks questions sometimes

I put on my mother in laws robe so she didn't just see me walking around nekked except for socks, because I wasn't in the mood to be oogled by her. By the time I came out of the bathroom she was in bed already, the decorative pillows were on the floor, and she was lying there in her down looking at me sad for some reason. 

I said "sup" and she just rolled over, turning her back to me. So I just hopped over her to my side of the bed and turned by back to her... two can play that game. I thought about telling her about her birthday gift of half of the decorative pillows but didn't appreciate the way she was treating me, and for no reason, so I didn't tell her and let them all just stay mine instead.

When I woke up, she was gone... and has been staying at her mother's house all week, which is nice because I was able to eat all my chips in piece for once, and watch TV with the full surround sound without getting texts asking me to "turn it down". 

She's high maintenance, but I still like her; it is cool dating a professional Victoria's Secret worked because she can get discounts for me on their Very Sexy cologne, and Very Sexy Platinum cologne. I think she's a register girl but whatever she does for them all I know is it's good for the fragrance collection.

All I remember is she is on the magazines at the checkout every now and then. That's always fun to see because I'm like she's cute! And it just ends up being my lady. LOL And's definitely nice not paying rent, so our relationship is good enough until I'm ready to move on.

One thing I never want to never see again though is the dynamic duo that is TJ Maxx + Home Goods, AKA now to me as The Home Maxx TJ Goods Experience! :D

Stores get 4 stars each, and combined 5. And that my friends is what we call synergy.

***

Just the rest that 

Anyway, while she was in the bath, I saw it as maybe the one chance I'd get to make sure she didn't eat my new chips! 

So, while she enjoyed her weird bubble bath, I crushed crushed up a bag of beat root chips and crushed up a bag of siracha flavored lentil chips, MIXED THEM TOGETHER and hid them in my new hallowed out secret book safe. I put that on the bookshelf, between her Koran and my Bible.

I undressed and slipped into four of the new socks (2 4 each foot) & quietly munched away on my stash until I heard it sound like she was getting out of the bath. In heard solish splashes and knew that means I had like one minute before she came out that door, probably wanting to know the chip situation!

Without hesitation, I hurried to the garage to hide the remaining chip bags under some old dusty towels, and a rusted out toolbox that once belonged to my grandpaps. But that's in the past and it's mine now. Just like the chips it's covering now!

Then I snuck back inside, this time through the back window, because I saw her cleaning up all the candles and rose petals (at least she doesn't make a mess with her antics) and I couldn't let her maybe figure out I just hid all the chips, which I planned on saying they ran out of, because she likes them too and gave me $10 to buy some "to share".

LOL. I went to the bathroom that was empty now, and flushed the receipt down the toilet so she couldn't find out later about the fibskie I had already planned out hours ago on the moped driving back to her house. She has a history of overreacting to untrue things I say when she asks questions sometimes

I put on my mother in laws robe so she didn't just see me walking around nekked except for socks, because I wasn't in the mood to be oogled by her. By the time I came out of the bathroom she was in bed already, the decorative pillows were on the floor, and she was lying there in her down looking at me sad for some reason. 

I said "sup" and she just rolled over, turning her back to me. So I just hopped over her to my side of the bed and turned by back to her... two can play that game. I thought about telling her about her birthday gift of half of the decorative pillows but didn't appreciate the way she was treating me, and for no reason, so I didn't tell her and let them all just stay mine instead.

When I woke up, she was gone... and has been staying at her mother's house all week, which is nice because I was able to eat all my chips in piece for once, and watch TV with the full surround sound without getting texts asking me to "turn it down". 

She's high maintenance, but I still like her; it is cool dating a professional Victoria's Secret worked because she can get discounts for me on their Very Sexy cologne, and Very Sexy Platinum cologne. I think she's a register girl but whatever she does for them all I know is it's good for the fragrance collection.

All I remember is she is on the magazines at the checkout every now and then. That's always fun to see because I'm like she's cute! And it just ends up being my lady. LOL And's definitely nice not paying rent, so our relationship is good enough until I'm ready to move on.

One thing I never want to never see again though is the dynamic duo that is TJ Maxx + Home Goods, AKA now to me as The Home Maxx TJ Goods Experience! :D

Stores get 4 stars each, and combined 5. And that my friends is what we call synergy.